She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
