someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
