We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Enjoy the penises
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
