Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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