they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just had sex on a roof
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
