he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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