I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
