I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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