Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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