Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
