just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
