That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
