I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
