you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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