I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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