First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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