When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
