Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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