Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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