I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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