before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
