I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
