Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
