My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
