he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
