you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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