I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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