dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
