it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
