he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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