im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
