It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
