thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
