Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
