the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
