We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
