Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
