new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
