so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Let's get the cat blown out
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
