So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
