i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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