I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
