Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
