i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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