Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
