How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
