I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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