My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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