I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
