I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we're making bets on your personal life
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
